Week 27 in the year of our Lord 2020

Do you want more sex in your marriage? Try this...

7 minutes to read

Most men do.

Even men who have good marriages and faithful, submissive wives.

In fact, these are the kind we are really speaking to today. If your marriage is “frigid” and you have real relational problems, there are deeper issues that need to be addressed. Our advice today may help move things in the right direction, but don’t expect a panacea.

On the other hand, if you have good sex sometimes, but just want more, here’s what to do:

Tell your wife.

We know that will sound frustratingly simplistic, but bear with us for a second. We want to explain first why this simple tactic is often helpful, and second how to do it in a way that will work.

On the first point, the key thing to understand is that men and women tend to be ignorant of how the other works.

That’s because we always interpret how other people think and act based on how we think and act.

You see this constantly in all kinds of ways. A common one with women is thinking that if they have a degree and a high-powered job, men will find them more attractive. After all, they want men with competence and status in the world.

But as we discussed last time, attraction is not androgynous. Men want feminine women just as women want masculine men. How men think isn’t how women think, and vice versa.

By the same token, how men’s bodies work isn’t how women’s bodies work. But men and women don’t automatically make that connection — especially with sex drive.

And even when they recognize that yes, there is some difference, they seldom have any inkling about how big it really is.

While our sex drives do have similarities, the differences are truly significant. The andronynizing nature of our culture encourages us to play up the similarities, and diminish the differences — and while this is always wrong, it is really wrong when it comes to eros.

It’s basically true about opposites attracting. Sexual arousal is based on polarity.

Sameness kills it.

So how are men and women different? We’d sum it up like this:

The male sex drive is intense, consistent, and almost always active.

The female sex drive is moderate, cyclical, and often latent.

The male sex drive is intense. Really intense. Libido is primarily a function of how much testosterone you produce. And men produce somewhere in the range of 10 times as much as women do.

They also produce it pretty consistently every night, so their sex drive is “always on.” They think about sex a lot more than women do, they desire a lot more of it, and they do it without any major fluctuations over time.

Most women, on the other hand, can go days without thinking about sex. They have much less testosterone, and consequently a much more moderate sex drive.

Now, moderate doesn’t mean absent. Women are erotic beings. But, in addition to having much less testosterone overall, their sex drive is also partially cyclical.

Numerous studies have shown that a woman’s libido is tied to her menstrual cycle. Her sexual desire increases as she approaches ovulation, and decreases post-ovulation. (Her attraction to particular physical and behavioral characteristics changes also.)

In this sense, a husband, sexually-speaking, is married to two different women.

Put simply, men are always in the mood. Women really aren’t.

You probably know all this on some level already — but it’s important to have a clear view of it. Knowing the differences in what drives arousal between men and women is necessary to knowing how to have a better sex life. When you understand and embrace the goodness of God’s design in our different sex drives, you can use that knowledge to cultivate a good sex life.

So men are like active volcanoes. It doesn’t take much to get them to erupt.

Female arousal is much more latent.

Whereas mere audio-visual stimulation is enough to get a guy going, women usually require much more mental stimulation.

Both imagination and anticipation play a large part in “turning them on.”

Hence, women dig romantic novels. Guys not so much.

(And hence, porn aimed at women looks more like 50 Shades of Grey than Playboy magazine.)

Most women honestly have no idea how strong and constant a man’s sex drive is, and even after being told, they have a lot of trouble believing and internalizing it.

It’s kind of like hearing about someone with Prader-Willi syndrome. It’s hard to believe anyone could be so hungry all the time. And even when you come to terms with believing it, you don’t necessarily internalize it. It’s all theoretical, because it’s not your experience — so practically speaking, you just don’t think of it most of the time.

Part of the reason to tell your wife about wanting more sex is therefore to simply help her understand your desires — or remind her if she already knows in theory.

But there is a second, deeper reason; related to what turns women on in the first place.

Telling your wife that you want to have more sex is often effective simply because women want to be found sexually desirable.

Read the table contents of any women’s magazine. It’ll be loaded with articles on fashion, beauty, and how to be sexy.

By the same token, there is a reason that Scripture warns women about immodesty, and the fleeting nature of external beauty.

Women value beauty — and they do so, in part, because they know men value them for it. This natural inclination can be twisted into idolatry. But a woman’s base desire to be found sexy and desirable is good.

So help her out. Let her know that you want her.

Now, we said we’d tell you how to go about this.

We’re not going to get lewd here; nor is there some paint-by-numbers system to follow.

Rather, we want to emphasize that this isn’t a transaction.

You’re not inputting a string into a computer database. You’re drawing a person into a narrative — into a story, into your world.

So let her know that you like her lips, hips, breasts — whatever part of her you particularly fancy. Let her know that you think about her, and all the things you want to do with her.

Say it in person. Say it by text. But don’t data-dump it. Tease it out through the day.

And back it up with physical action. Pinch her butt. Be playful. Build anticipation.

Tell her like Solomon told his lover in his song (7:6-9):

How beautiful and pleasant you are,
O loved one, with all your delights!
Your stature is like a palm tree,
and your breasts are like its clusters.
I say I will climb the palm tree
and lay hold of its fruit.
Oh may your breasts be like clusters of the vine,
and the scent of your breath like apples,
and your mouth like the best wine.

If you’re not good at poetry like him, maybe keep it simple — but make sure you’re drawing her into your world, and showing her that you want her in it.

Will you get the hang of it instantly?

Nah.

Will she think you’re being corny or something?

Maybe at first.

But practice makes proficient. Give it a try today and just see what happens.

Play the man.

Michael & Bnonn

Btw, if you want really understand the developmental and hormonal differences in the sexes, two books by Dr. Louann Brizendine are very helpful: The Female Brain and its companion The Male Brain.

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