Week 51 in the year of our Lord 2020

Same vs opposite sex relationships

6 minutes to read

We have a new podcast episode up on building a godly sex life. You can listen to it on iTunes, Stitcher, etc, or using this link:

Building A Godly Sex Life

This was the session that Michael did for the 2020 Builders Summit, so many thanks to the Bible Thumping Wingnut for giving us permission to republish it.

There is a deep non-erotic intimacy that can exist among same-sex friendships that can’t and won’t exist among opposite-sex friendships.

We see this in the friendship of King David and Jonathan, the son of Saul.

David says of Jonathan: “Your love to me was more wonderful than the love of women.”

There is a brotherhood which can and should exist among men—and a sisterhood which can and should exist among women. The intimacy that exists within this sisterhood and brotherhood can be more intense than the intimacy between men and women.

This is good.

Sexual polarity is what forms the strong bonds of marriage—but sexual homogeneity is what forms the strong bonds of friendship. Men need men who get the male world. Women need women who get the female world.

This reality is difficult for us to grasp for a few reasons:

  1. Modern culture has taught us to deny sexual distinctions in favor of sexual interchangeably. In other words, we foolishly act as if men can relate to women in the same way they relate to each other—and vice versa. Hence toilet roll books like Aimee Byrd’s Why Can’t We Be Friends?
  2. The sexual revolution, in an attempt to normalize the perverse, has eroticized all relationships. We are all conditioned into a mindset today that would have been both foreign and repugnant to men of old. We see David and Jonathan…and we suspect something is amiss. Their relationship looks “kinda gay.” But it was not. They were dear friends. Men can be close. Very close. We can be like brothers. Even closer than brothers.
  3. The social media age has redefined and diluted friendship to mean something closer to acquaintanceship. Not only have we forgotten the intimacy of the brotherhood/sisterhood, but we have lost a clear understanding of intimacy itself altogether.

We must recover the brotherhood and sisterhood if we are to recover sexual sanity.

Btw, this is why we never call our wives our best friends. What a sad statement! Your wife is your wife—that is a unique intimacy.

For further reading, we highly recommend Anthony Esolen’s article, “Requiem for Friendship.”

Michael had at least a dozen older godly men significantly invest in his life since he was first a Christian.

His wife had a different experience when it came to older godly women. There were few to be found.

The Church needs mothers.

Rise up Titus 2 women! The young ladies need you.

The gender war is a lie.

Men, women aren’t your enemies.

Women, men aren’t your enemies.

Husbands, your wife is your ally.

Wives, your husband is your ally.

A house divided will fall. Don’t let the devil and his agents divide us.

The war on gender is a lie too.

It is good to be a man if you are a man.

It is good to be a woman if you are a woman.

Your sex glorifies God when you live it well. It does the other thing when you don’t.

In other words, it is good to be man—but it is not good to be an effeminate man. Effeminacy, like all the other sins in 1 Corinthians 6, is shameful. It is a sin to be repented of.

But we also must make it clear that there is nothing wrong with femininity. Femininity is beautiful and essential. The world needs femininity just like it needs masculinity.

The crux of the problem we face in the West is this:

Men have a feminine side as much as dogs have a feline side. And women have a masculine side as much as cats have a canine side.

Cats and dogs have many things in common, but there are also key distinctions between them, and never the twain shall meet.

Your wife is your feminine side. She is the feminine half of your marriage.

It is normal and natural for a cat to meow, but it would be strange and unnatural to hear a dog meow. And cats don’t bark. So it is with femininity: it is beautiful in women, but repulsive in men. Women don’t fight or preach, and men don’t play homemaker or dress up.

So saying effeminacy is sinful isn’t a dig at femininity—any more than saying mannishness is sinful is a dig at masculinity.

How can Christian women pursue feminine beauty? Here are a few ideas taken directly from Paul’s commands and commendations to women in 1 Timothy 5. This list gives us insight into the qualities that the Holy Spirit would have a godly woman cultivate.

First, she should cultivate a positive view of marriage, children, and of the home:

  • Verses 9-10, “wife of one man…if she has brought up children”
  • Verse 14, “I want younger widows to get married, bear children, keep house.”

Second, she should cultivate the heart and activities of an industrious servant:

  • Verse 10, “shown hospitality to strangers, washed the saints’ feet, assisted those in distress,  devoted herself”
  • Verse 12, “not idle, busybodies”

Third, she should avoid cultivating a mouth that gossips or speaks roughly:

  • Verse 13, Doesn’t gossip or “[talk] about things not proper to mention”

Cross-reference these qualities with Titus 2:3-5, and you’ll see that they are identical.

Lastly, to draw on larger biblical themes, she should cultivate a feminine appearance. In general, women are to have longer hair, and dress in a modest way that neither flaunts nor mutes their sexuality.

These are a few targets to work towards.

We have a new post up on our site—a primer on how influential women and white knights destroy the church.

A great deal of the collapse of the Western church can be traced to a combination of white knights and overly-influential women. This is both a historical reality, and an ongoing pathology in most churches today.

Read it here:


Michael will be speaking at the Stronghold Conference, alongside Voddie Baucham, Rich Lusk and others.

If you can make it (MLK Day 2021), either in person or virtually, reserve your ticket here:


(We’re glad to see more websites embracing orange.)

Finally, have a blessed and merry Christmas! There is no despair for those who have received the gift of God’s Son.

Until next year,

Michael & Bnonn

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