Week 26 in the year of our Lord 2022

Tips on effective leadership & mission in marriage

13 minutes to read

You can read and share this email on the web: https://notes.itsgoodtobeaman.com/tips-on-effective-leadership-and-mission-in-marriage/

When the family shall no longer have a head, and the great foundation for the subordination of children in the mother’s example is gone; when the mother shall have found another sphere than her home for her energies; when she shall have exchanged the sweet charities of domestic love and sympathy for the fierce passions of the hustings; when families shall be disrupted at the caprice of either party, and the children scattered as foundlings from their hearthstone, — it requires no wisdom to see that a race of sons will be reared nearer akin to devils than to men. In the hands of such a bastard progeny, without discipline, without homes, without a God, the last remains of social order will speedily perish, and society will be overwhelmed in savage anarchy. —R.L. Dabney

The role of men in their families is so important that God honored it by conferring upon us His own title, Father. —Voddie Baucham

Practical steps for cultivating a calm, present, decisive demeanor #

Here are a few steps to take towards cultivating these attributes, which are so vital for being an effective husband and leader:


  • Unload your worries through daily prayer
  • Focus your mind through morning meditation on the Word


  • Remove distracting apps from your phone
  • Schedule no screen times for yourself
  • Ask family members open-ended questions and just listen


  • Get your schedule written out (paper or virtual)
  • Know your priorities (e.g., can’t take on a new household project until this one is done)
  • Give a straight, non-guilt-laced yes or no as often as possible

What your brain looks like on red pill internet forums #

Your brain on red pill forums

Read old books, not forums. Know what you are talking about. Yes, your wife is your companion.

You should be walking side-by-side through life’s difficulties, victories, and monotony towards the same goal: glorifying God through building a godly household.

She depends on you; you depend on her.

Cultivate companionship in your marriage.


Marital companionship requires mutuality.

The husband encourages the wife; the wife encourages the husband.

The husband supports the wife; the wife supports the husband.

The husbands counsels the wife; the wife counsels the husband.

This mutual care includes mutual fulfillment spiritually, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Not perfect fulfillment, or total fulfillment—that only can come from God Himself. But there is a lesser fulfillment which the sexes were made to provide for each other.

This mutual care doesn’t eradicate the sexual differences.

Men needed to be cared for in one way, women in another.

They both need encouragement, support, and counsel. But the form the mutual care takes will be keyed to the the recipient’s sex. And just how to do that takes a lot of time to learn. Not days or months, but years.

Spouses must become students of each other’s sexual nature. We aren’t androgynous beings. Men have a masculine nature; women have a feminine one.

The wife must learn how to provide the care of her husband’s needs as a man.

The husband must learn how to provide the care of his wife’s needs as a woman.

This is more than friendship. This is an intimate, life-long fellowship of mutual care, built around a common goal. It’s why your wife being your wife is better than your wife being your best friend. The marriage relationship is unique.

Mutuality is nearly impossible to pull off without commonality. As Amos 3:3 says, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” If spouses have different ultimate goals, they will pull apart over time.

Also, don’t think about women as “adult-children.” Children can’t be helpmeets, even if they are in adult bodies.

Q&A on mission #

Q: I am working on clarifying my mission and struggling a bit to understand it. I noticed you mentioned a common goal, to glorify God through building a godly household. I’ve learned from your book not to make a woman my mission, but I’m still a little confused about mission. Can you clarify, is this common goal (building a godly household) a different thing from my mission? Also, do you have a place I can see examples of missions men have? I think that would help me have clarity on what a man’s mission looks like.

There is “the mission” and then there are missions.

The mission is the Missio Dei, as reveled in the creation mandate and great commission. All the redeemed participate in this general mission of building God’s kingdom, as the seek to enjoy Him and glorify Him forever.

They participate in the Missio Dei through subordinate missions of lesser and greater importance and duration.

All these subordinate missions, if they agree with God’s revealed will, contribute to the ultimate mission.

For example, one of the key ways we participate in the Missio Dei is in the mission of building of a biblical household. This requires that a man develop masculine skills, find a vocation, accumulate resources/assets, find a wife, have children, raise those children to adulthood in the Lord, etc etc.

It also requires that a woman develop feminine skills, prepare herself to be an able keeper of the home, find a husband, have children, raise those children to adulthood, in the Lord, etc etc. (She often, especially today, will also need to find a vocation prior to being a keeper of the home. It would wise to choose one that will complement her eventual work in the home/household.)

There are missions within missions within missions, nested in and contributing to the ultimate mission of God.

Fixing the shower is a small mission within the larger mission of providing the basic resources for the even greater mission of a working home in which a family lives, grows, and matures.

Men and women both have missions which are nested in greater missions, which should all be keyed towards the Missio Dei. The greater they are, the more important that they align.

Mutual submission in marriage #

There is a form of “mutual submission” in Scripture. And it does apply to marriage. You find it in Ephesians 5:20–21 which reads:

…giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

Egalitarians use this verse to claim that all hierarchical distinctions are eliminated in Christ. Consequently, they argue that we are all to submit to each other in an identical and reciprocal way.

This is false. The only way you can come to this conclusion is if you isolate these verses from their immediate context:

20 giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; 21 submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. 22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…

Mutual submission and hierarchical distinctions work together. You see this in the verses that immediately follow the call to mutual submission. The wife is to submit herself to following her husband’s lead (vv. 22–24). The husband is to submit himself to the hard work of godly leadership (vv. 25–32).

The mutuality here is expressed in a commitment to their God-ordained stations in life.

Think of a football team. This form of mutual submission wouldn’t involve the quarterback and center becoming interchangeable. Quite the opposite, it would involve the quarterback and center giving themselves fully to their place on the team.

So it is in marriage. We are mutually submitted to one another in doing our particular work for the glory of God, and the good of each other.

Our podcast on mission, submission & rulership in marriage #

If you are still trying to wrap your head around these topics, we have a podcast that deals specifically with them, using practical examples:

Listen to Mission, Submission, and Rulership in Marriage »

Thoughts on leading as a husband, from Tyrannus Hall: #

One of the men in our members group posted this:

Here are some thoughts and warnings to myself about one of the sins of Saul from 1st Samuel 15. Its relevant to me as I try to grow as a leader and husband. I shared because maybe it could be an encouragement, exhortation or inspiration for some of you as well:

And Samuel said, “Although you were once small in your own eyes, have you not become the head of the tribes of Israel? The LORD anointed you king over Israel and sent you on a mission, saying, ‘Go and devote to destruction the sinful Amalekites. Fight against them until you have wiped them out.’ So why did you not obey the LORD?”

And later King Saul gives a reason in his confession:

I have sinned; I have transgressed the LORD’s commandment and your instructions, because I FEARED THE PEOPLE and obeyed their voice.

As a man, husband, father or whatever other position God has given you, you have a duty, a service, to lead. You may not be a king anointed by God like Saul was, but you do have responsibilities as a man to manage yourself well.

In addition to yourself, as a head of a household you have responsibilities to your wife and children. If you abdicate your responsibilities and you don’t do or say what needs to be done, because you fear them or lack confidence in yourself because you are “small in your own eyes”, this is not necessarily honorable. Lack of confidence and assertion in areas where God has given you responsibility is not humility or virtuous, rather it is prideful and cowardly.

This is not easy, but it is a helpful warning against one of the errors of the times, the error that love is measured totally by how it makes the other person feel or by how agreeable or “nice” you can be.

Yes, this can be messy, and you can run into ditches on the other side. But if you are to love and lead well, you must not be ruled by your own or others’ fears/feelings.

Walk by faith like all those men in Hebrews 11 did before you, all who had a nature like your own. As you do this, little by little, progress can and will be made. So do things, take action, say what needs to be said, by faith.

Don’t fear the people, fear God. Proverbs 14 says “in the Fear of God one has strong confidence.”

This is just one example of the kind of wisdom that is shared between men in our members group. If you’re interested in joining, go here:

Learn more about our members group

Don’t try to reason with people who want to misunderstand you #

It can’t be done.

There are honest misunderstandings, and then there are cultivated misunderstandings. You have to learn to discern the difference.

In Nehemiah 6:1–3, the enemies of Nehemiah said, “Come, let us meet together.” But they were planning to harm him.

So he responded, “I am doing a great work and I cannot come down. Why should the work stop while I leave it and come down to you?”

Here’s a lesson. Enemies will invite you to a sit-down once they realize that:

  • they can no longer ignore you
  • they cannot demoralize you
  • they are unable to frustrate your work

Then they will want to talk.

Wisdom is usually to decline, and keep doing what you’re doing.

Don’t apologize unless you are wrong—then don’t delay

It can be as difficult to not apologize when you are in the right, as to do so when you are not.

New podcast this week: #

Notable: #

Roe v. Wade overturned #

As they feasted to perversion, God broke their teeth with a jubilee for his people.

The concept of the jubilee year is found in Leviticus 25:8ff. It is a year of release, return, and rest. Every seven years is a sabbath year, and the jubilee is a sabbath of sabbath years: 7×7 = 49 years; i.e., the fiftieth year from the start of the cycle.

The sabbath is a time of restoration, recreation, and redemption. Hence the jubilee was the year in which property was restored to debtors, and people were freed from indentured servitude. It was a “refreshment” year, a year of remission which allowed the cycle of work and rest to continue by wiping the slate clean.

Paul tells us that these things were written for our instruction (1 Corinthians 10:11).

It has been 49 years since Roe v. Wade. In God’s providence, it was overturned in its fiftieth year. God has granted us a jubilee of sorts. Rather than bringing a full judgment, which traditionally is 70 years (cf. Daniel 9:2), he has given us a release. He has shown us a notable token of favor by acting for us, rather than against us, in a way that expresses meaning according to how he has dealt with his people in the past.

This doesn’t mean his hand of judgment has necessarily lifted completely. But it does mean we should celebrate, and use this time to prepare for the next 49 years.

Part of celebrating is enjoying laughter. So here is a meme at the expense of one of the most wicked women in modern history:

She gave her life to overturn abortion

But also take Matt Trewhella’s warning seriously: Roe being overturned does NOT end abortion! - YouTube

Talk again next week,

Bnonn & Michael

This email is archived, but you can receive new ones free every Saturday.

Subscribe to Notes on Manhood

You’ll get the newsletter every Saturday morning, Eastern time.


You’re now subscribed to Notes on Manhood. You will get the next newsletter in your mailbox on Saturday.

You can safely close this dialog and keep browsing now.